keyword(s): scratch-01 -- record -- cycle theme(s) -- issue(s)
21/8:... now what to do when I am disconnected from my server and annotation tool,..., well just go out and enjoy the theatre of life, in other words, wait, until the problem is solved!
22/8: scratch ... now everything goes wrong,.. I suddenly missed my remarkable pro, had a feeling of panic, went to the kitchen, and asked: where did you put my remarkable,?... apparently I also said: what did you do with my remarkable? ... and although it was not my intention to blame her, I was shocked and in panic. Then she.. got aggressive and pushed me away. The reason I asked her was that yesterday she spent hours rearranging the workspace, and even though I had the impression she did not touch that part, I thought she might have taken my favorite tool, that is the remarkable, away ... indeed, remarkable. The panic is partly caused by my not being able to connect with the VU server, making my annotation tool out of reach, disrupting my habit of writing, which makes me feel at a loss, as if I am out of work, without a goal in life, or a means of expression! ... there might be a benefit though, and that is that I can focus on other things, such as my condition, or another style of working, but the current situation might be such that non of these alternatives her may work and that my life is doomed to become meaningless. The only remedy on this case is to have some patience, perhaps apologize again and see where it goes, with or without flow!
24/8:... scribble or scratch, what shall it be today, or just some note(s), for the fun of it, after looking at the ships and the crowd, all those faces give me a sense of confusion, but the view was in some sense even spectacular, all the ships, many with a historical flavor, the buildings, typically luxury bourgeous housing, and the wide space( which somehow even gave me the feeling that I might enjoy living there, although, when I think of it, leaving our cosy small apartment in the Jordaan, where I now live for over 45 years, might turn into a disaster, even when not considering all the work that would have to be done, but perhaps more than that it might bring isolation, leading to a sense of insecurity, and also deprive me of my status ... since living here for so long I became a kind of icon, as testified by my daughter, who was often asked, with surprise, is that your father, to which she had only one answer: yes!
27/8: wait :: my life line --- why impose limit(s) on myself to write, now that my annotation tool is not available, due to the lack of service of. the VU, which is a shame in itself, but I refrain myself from complaining, and try to accept these limits, even recognizing on the positive side a freedom of no longer having to be productive in either writing or drawing, since due to my retirement; I have no obligation(s_, either practical or moral to take part in any work, unlen for some reason I feet the urge to engage in it, or, in case, unlikely as it may seem now, that either my writing or drawing may lead to a benefit, financially or otherwise, in that case,I would urge my self to go, go with the flow, the flow of money !
30/8:... another long day, most of it spent in my corner, reading about chance and necessity, from a biological perspective, to assess the value of human life, indeed also my life, about which I ask my self what choice(s) to make, how to deal with the children and how to manage my condition by exercise and outdoor walk(s), taking the opportunity to smoke and watch the clouds, as well as the people passing by, their face(s) and how they move, their range of energy, and the expression of their voice(s), while thinking about my social obligations and the need to connect to what is going on, the extent to which it is within my reach, considering my limited range of mobility, as well as my reduced interest, where I often prefer my solitude over the fun of social event(s), even though I try to stay rational and not avoid the adventure of life, indeed, to go with the flow!
I/9:... now there is still some time to write on my favorite tool, indeed remarkable, again in doubt what to write,-except for the key word(s): smile -- relax, which appeared in my facebook memory of today, and, in analogy with my phrase strength is a skill, I feel the need to practice my skill in writing, as a way to take distance and observe what happens in a more neutral way, not even so much by writing about these things, the children, domestic aggression, or the stupid way an institution can deal with issue(s) of importance, such as access to a service, and the like, but more, in a way, to focus on my stream(s) of thought, to find the line of my life in a flux of sensations, memories and even encounters with people, how I look at face(s), and try to read their intention(s), motivated by my wish and need for attention ... as well as, indeed, self- esteem, as a reward for my contribution(s) to the conversation, whether of value or not, intellectual, indeed, In search of respect, to follow the crowd and go with the flow ... just for the fun of it !