number 10
[] readme preface one two three four five six seven eight nine ten afterthoughts resources

talk show tell print

I wrote: Come back

I am awake early. I didn't sleep at all. I have been thinking: Why do I torture myself with wanting to know how you feel? You are handling this situation with total disregard of my feelings. Yes, you are completely out of your mind. Totally schizophrenic. After your demonstration (with your ex-lover on the phone) you no longer deserve any respect. You are just a bag of shit. A junk by heart and soul. Mentally a child, despite your eloquent display of emotions. An impossible child, with a huge dependency problem. Uncapable to give, uncapable to love, uncapable to understand. How can I be so stupid to want you in my life? After all this, I should know I cannot trust you. You are too full of pretensions that you cannot live up to.

I let myself get adrift in hating you. Pitying you is equally dangerous. Are you brainwashed or just fucked up? Never have I known anyone so out of touch. So incapable of touch. I cannot fool myself by thinking that you have ever loved me. I just enchanted you, temporarily. If this is not true, you'll have to prove me otherwise. What more can I say? I am very disappointed. And I must calm down, live with it.

Walking on the street, I tried to formulate my requests to you:

Now you are on the phone with your aunt. I hear the way your voice goes up and down. Everything we do from now on, I want to do step by step. I do not want to deconstruct as fast as we constructed 'our life together'. From my side, I still love you. It feels as if I have no other option for living. I am asking to be dead, when I let you go voluntarily. I desperately want a 'normal' life with YOU. I just can't see an afterlife. Please come back to me. Despite my fear, my anger, my hate, I did not stop loving you, nor did I stop hoping for a life with you.


[] readme preface one two three four five six seven eight nine ten afterthoughts resources

(C) Æliens 2005

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