number 10
[] readme preface one two three four five six seven eight nine ten afterthoughts resources

talk show tell print

Number one

It all started with #1. I was only 21. These were my formative years. She is important also because she gave me a son. The son seems to be all I have left. #1 liked #7. The feeling was mutual. #7 even confessed, at our last evening together, that she had felt an erotic desire for #1. I would not be surprised if that feeling was mutual as well. But I didn't pay attention to these things at that time.

With #1 I lived for about four years. Then she decided to live on her own. I was furious and smashed everything in the house. I also threw away all the plants. Actually, I gave them away, to a girl I knew. From then on, I never had another plant in the place I lived, until recently. #7 bought me a plant. I am taking care of it now.

After #1 moved out, our relation continued for another ten years. Her reasons for moving out were manifold. We were at the same artschool, and both needed space. Space to work and space to breathe. Also, she liked to be able to see her friends on her own.

At the time we were quite modern, living apart together. We were never tired explaining how wonderful it was, to have a relation and a life of your own. No longer daily in eachother's presence, we started employing the agenda to fix the days to meet. We kept to a minimum of three days a week.

Living apart, we wanted to have an open relation. These were the seventies, mind. In a week of seven days, there were usually four days left. That's when #2 came in the picture. #2 was #1's best friend. They had already developed an erotic attraction. As a favor, one night, I was allowed to join in. #2 fell in love with me, and we started a relation that would last for ten years. #1 nevertheless remained my first choice. We spent evenings discussing the situation, dealing with all the problems, talking about moods, tensions, frustrations, ambitions, films, books and culture. Actually, we liked talking.

After finishing school, we talked about taking a child. The need for a child occurred to us both and it seemed natural to have a child together. This did not imply that we would change the situation of living apart together in any way. We just planned to divide the burden of raising a child. It took us a month to make the child, and another nine months to wait for its birth. The pregnancy was not easy. We were both studying again and were often quite stressed. #1 often complained about my domestic aptitude. This became worse after the child was born. She even claimed, afterwards, that not meeting my domestic duties was the ultimate reason for our separation, four years after the child was born. I think she exagerated. She fell in love with a woman, still her partner now. And also, although never mentioned explicitly, my relation with #2, once her best friend and female lover, must have been painful. I think she never forgave me for that.

We still share the care for our son, but as far as I know our relation was for her nothing more than 'though'. At least, that's what she told #7 at the wedding. For years, anyway, she gave me the impression that I still owed her something. I never knew exactly what. I did my best to prove that I was a good father. She never trusted I would be. Perhaps, I overdid myself in this by not returning with #7 to Amsterdam. Instead I continued the holidays with my son. It seemed a natural thing to do, but a different choice might have saved my marriage.


[] readme preface one two three four five six seven eight nine ten afterthoughts resources

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