number 10
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I wrote: Some background

..., the first letter can be read as a plea. I desperately want you to stay with me, in Amsterdam, to make our marriage and our life work, to grow old and mature together. If we decide that we must try, these bits and pieces might give you some background so that you will understand me better. Nevertheless, I think you should ask me more. In general, I tend to listen when anyone speaks, and I speak when the other one indicates that s/he wants to listen to what I have to say.

Strangely enough, the things that happened between us remind me of my two-month affair with #4, the girl with the big car and the big tits. She had this ongoing thing with her ex-lover, and I could not trust her on her word.

Words, as you know, are very important to me. The reason I promise little is that I find the words spoken often inappropriate, or even untruthful.

Last night, I dreamt that two black guys came to pick you up to visit some fighting match. But before that they were going to beat me up. In the bus, I felt very unhappy, sad that you were not there with me. I was wondering what you were up to at that moment.

I think you have treated me badly. I know, however, that I was not nice as well. I guess I was a bit at a loss, not knowing how to deal with the situation. These days, I keep wondering how I could have organized our trip in a way that you would have enjoyed it. But I guess that with the pregnancy and the nausea that comes with it, this would have been an almost impossible job.

The indefiniteness of our situation worries me. The words we will see are familiar to me and evoke painful memories. In the end, if there is no decision, there will be nothing to be seen left. The two we will see's I experienced before both involved the presence of another lover. With #1 it was her wish to have something with #2. Well, you know how that turned out. With #4 it had to do with her ex-lover. Knowing your story, I am not sure whether I can trust you, when you say that all is finished. But maybe I am paranoid, we will see.

Money has always been a problem, one way or another. The least so with #1. Although we had little money, we almost never quarrelled about it. Only sometimes we had a difference of opinion on how to spent it. Anyhow, most of the time we lived apart, with separate accounts.

With #6, money was a problem. She complained a lot. She had only a small income, so usually I had to pay for her, which meant we could not do things as easily as with a double income. In the five years we were together, I gave #6 a lot of money. We could never come to some kind of agreement, though. The result was simply distance ... You are the first I share my money with. No small thing, indeed. Yet, again there are problems.

I figured that we should be able to living together with my income. Practically, I think a budget of ... and ... for each of us might be feasible. There is not much room left then, however.

Money has always meant security for me, and independence. Without money, I feel in some sense weak, without power, without control. I feel best when there is a little reserve. The last four months with you, I spent all my reserves. This was necessary, but I can't say I feel comfortable with it.

Maybe you expected more money with me, seeing how I spent money the first months. Now there is simply less. I feel that the only solution is to share responsability and discuss budgets. In september, we must be able to make a clean start after all the bills are paid.

You may find my attitude towards money narrow-minded or even boring, but with my profession there is not much room for an adventurous style, which I detest anyway. But let's be clear about one thing, I have never been judgemental about how people spent their own money! Or have I?

Marriage has never been on my list before I met you. Yet, living together with a woman has been a long standing desire. So, in a way, it was natural to ask you to marry me and live with me. If it doesn't work, we can consider our marriage as a joke, and probably laugh at it, sometimes. However, it would also be tragic, since with you I can realize my dream to live with a woman, to share emotions, feelings, and to be daily in eachother's bodily presence. I miss you, and I hope this is only a brief intermission in a long standing relation. Bodily and mentally we are close.

I guess we have to learn to adapt to eachothers style. I keep wondering why we had such a clash of style, and what to do about it. Now and in the future. Both #1 and #6 have complained about me having no eye for the small things of life, the things that seem to make life worth living. Our clash seems, however, of a somewhat different nature. It may be better characterized as the difference between a poor man's travelling style and the expectations of one who is used to luxury, or at least that everything is organized.

I keep wondering whether you would have liked the trip we are now having, sitting at the plaza, walking over the market, admiring the products of craft ... However, there are also long bus rides, and consequently, waiting at the busstation, sleeping in the bus. Is this something my precious wife would be willing to do?

I keep looking at my ring and wonder whether it is still valid. It is hard to imagine, we have been just married for two weeks!! Occassionally I glance at a girl, but I just want you! Anyway, my son likes the trip very much, it has been planned for him. I was stupid to drag you along.

Is is, after all, a dilemma between the interest of my son and the interests of the one I love? The dilemma of split attention. The afternoon you bought the bracelet, my son went to the hotel on his own, complaining. Will you excuse me for my face? I just was not in the mood for buying jewelry!

When we get over this (our psychodrama and the fact you left) we still need to think how to deal with such situations in the future. That is, quarrels and holidays. However, if it is all due to our fear and anxiety of being married, then there may be nothing to solve at all. Then we first need to rescue our marriage ...

You accused me of lacking strength, of being a sad person. What can I say? Did I loose my 'cool' or was it just an impossible situation? I am only human. For this I need not defend myself. Tell me, how can I have fun in an impossible situation? It seems the trip was not going to work. Let's resume life! How can I laugh when our marriage is suddenly in a crisis. I'll probably not laugh for years when all this goes wrong. Feeling lonely is no fun.

My god, this is a test! How can I make you stay with me, for the rest of our life. How I miss you! Looking at the couples around me, I feel the pain of not being with you, the solitude.

My seriousness. My seriousness that you loved. What happened? Why did you suddenly detest it? How stressed we were, in the heat, the noise, the ugliness of the place, the commercial agression. I felt you regressed. I know I did. What am I doing here, without you? There are about ten more days to go. No girl is as beautiful as you. I asked you to marry me because I wanted you to be my wife. Now that you've married me, I simply ask you to be my wife, and live with me!


[] readme preface one two three four five six seven eight nine ten afterthoughts resources

(C) Æliens 2005

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