number 10
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talk show tell print

I wrote: Despair

I just had you on the telephone. I know there is only a small chance that we get our marriage back together. You sounded very distant. You speak about everything going fast, of being in the hands of doctors again. It is ironic, I haven't even seen the pictures of our marriage. In a way I knew what I was up to. I know that you have a very fragile constitution. I knew it could one day turn against me. But I didn't know it would happen so fast. I still find it impossible, unfair. Just think, it all happened in the first two or three days. An ordinary quarrel ... But no, a big drama. You were nauseated because of the pregnancy, nauseated with everything, ..., including me. Or you were just stupid, foolish enough to marry me! And the same for me! Actually, these days I wasn't even worried about my money, I was worried about our money. Why didn't you hug me when I was sad? Why were you so bloody self-centered? Why did you provoke this drama? Do you want to punish me because I love you?

We have fallen in love. You moved in with me. We got your things. We started improving the house. We got married. The marriage was a lovely day. I said yes, you said yes. Everybody seemed happy. At the end of the day you fainted. The next day we discovered you were pregnant. We were married, but also tired, irritated, worried and anxious. After what should have been our wedding-night we did not wake up in paradise, but with a hangover instead. Mentally and physically. Everything that happened afterwards made it worse, for the both of us. Your self-centered behavior and my narrow-minded money worries. It made you angry when I said it, but you behaved like a spoilt, demanding child. Why do you think you are always in the right? Who do you think you are? Why do you think, anyway, that you can have it your way? Maybe, this is precisely what you mean by strength. The one that is best at taking distance wins. My sister played that game with me, when I was a kid. I was scared to death of being left alone. This is still a weak spot. Don't touch it too often!

It is sad, the only thing I can do is write you letters. I am sorry I can not be there with you, but I have my responsabilities towards my son. I thought you knew what you were doing when you married me. It is difficult to discover that you, apparently, did not. Anyway, we have to deal with the situation as it is.

I still have to get used to the idea that you carry our child. I still have to get used to that ... The ultimate question is, do you want to do it together with me, in one way or another, or do you want to do it on your own. If you want to have the child with me and be my wife, we will find some solution.

Crossed out

The following was crossed out:
 If you don't want that
 let's separate elegantly
 and divorce.
This evoked a reaction, her only reaction to my letter: "Yes, let's do it elegantly." Well, I did. Didn't I?

But I also wrote:

 Actually, I don't want to speak of divorce.
 Not after one week of marriage.
Please, let us try to live our dream!

Postscript:

Fuck, fuck, fuck, what went wrong? Why did neither of us have the strength to stop the destruction of our relation? Is it too late? Fuck. Don't act like a child. Grow up.

In retrospect, we cannot say we have not been warned. Check it out, they said. No need, you said. Aren't you going fast? Yes, I said, but we seem to be certain. Obviously, we were not. You were not.

Were we totally naive to get married? I don't think I was, I wanted you to be part of my life. I thought marriage was a way to secure that. Looking back, the marriage seems to have done the opposite. It seems to have initiated the end of our relation.

I just can not stop thinking of you. Optimistic one time, and then pessimistic again. I just hope your decision is not, without you admitting it, no. I think you are taking a great risk by reconsidering your love for your ex-lover. I cannot stand living in the fear of losing you. I closed my history, with no escape. You suddenly seem not to have done so. Our psychodrama seemed unavoidable. I felt your projections and could not move. It killed the light in my eyes. It is you who has to make the effort to regain my confidence. I miss you terribly, and my heart cramps when I think of the future, and the idea that the decision is yours. Marriage has never been a thing I wanted on my C.V. Your destructiveness has taken me by surprise. Am I struggling for a lost battle? Look into yourself and answer me!


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(C) Æliens 2005

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