#6 lived in the place of my birth. In the beginning she came often to Amsterdam. We spent much time together. We even thought about living together, but she wanted me to buy or rent another place. The place I lived in was to small and too uncomfortable to her taste. Besides, she didn't adapt well to Amsterdam.
Our life together was very secluded. We both didn't need many people around us. We had few friends. But we liked being together. We enjoyed our intimacy. Our relation was, most of the time, very tender. Our best friends, actually, were my sister and her friend. We had many conversations with them, about relations and personal problems, often half drunk, until deep in the night.
Soon after we met, we started thinking about having a baby. Somewhat to our surprise, it didn't happen rightaway. We tried everything. We took medical advice, did tests, disciplined our love life. Nothing worked, but we kept on hoping. We were both very disappointed.
#6 had great difficulties with my past. She often said that I didn't love her enough, that I had spent all my energy before I met her. That wasn't true! Somehow, I couldn't make clear that our relation meant very much to me. But, indeed, we were not passionate.
Many times, when we had a fight, she got furious and ran out, slamming the door. I usually waited some time and then went after her. I hated her running away like that, but she always returned. In the beginning of our relation, she had warned me that she might hurt me, someday. I had kept that in mind.
Towards the end things got more and more difficult. We quarrelled a lot, and there were many irritations. Living in two different places became a burden. I felt more and more estranged from Amsterdam, spending all that time in the train, travelling back and forth. This had been going on for five years already.
When we met, she had been working as a secretary, just as #7 by the way, but soon after that her contract ended. Only towards the end she found other work, volunteer work, unpaid. The work give her a sense of value, and some structure in her life as well. I expected that our relation would improve because of that, but it actually became more difficult. She was even less inclined to come to Amsterdam.
Being with my son, the three of us together, was often difficult. She experienced it as a loss of time. She thought I was giving him too much attention, allowing her only to take in the second position. She gave in too easily, I think. I often encouraged her to be assertive and claim her place.
The last four months we were together, we saw eachother irregularly, and usually I had to come to her place to see her at all. She was a bit vague about the status of our relation and kept me at a distance. To think about what she wanted to do with her life, she said. Nevertheless, we went to one of the Dutch islands with Christmas and we also planned to spend a weekend in Paris together.
(C) Æliens 2005
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