number 10
[] readme preface one two three four five six seven eight nine ten afterthoughts resources

talk show tell print

I wrote: And more

I have almost seen what I wanted to see. The stones, the piles, the shapes. But not in the way I wanted. Having seen them, I wanted to see them with you. Now you were only present in my mind, aching my heart. I am clamping to a single straw, that you do actually love me.

Yes, I cracked. I panicked. So what? If you are not able to live with that, fuck you! You crack all the time. I was sad. Yes, very sad. Don't tell me you're so happy, so full of life. Tell me, what did you see that scared you so? What is it that you feared, that made you humiliate me? If you feel disgust, fuck you! What do you think I feel?

Listen, you have played with my emotions, you have given me your word and broke it, you have projected your sadness on me and insulted me, you fool around with feelings for ex-lovers and betray me, you married me and now it all seems to become a cruel joke ... And yet, do I still love you?

If you want to know the truth, I was quite disappointed with the way you were. Avoiding all responsabilities, flirting with the beachboys. You were friendly to everyone but me. And then, the buying of the necklace and the bracelet. Do you realize you turned your back on me? Is this all because of my long face? But I know my long face, and I know what it expressed. I was not in the mood. Maybe it is better that we finish the whole thing. Don't make me suffer too much. Maybe you are too difficult for me, too irrational. I will probably be very unhappy if I have to live up to an image that is not me. I must stop writing, this leads to nowhere. Perhaps, I must stop living, since that also seem to lead to nowhere.

You even told my mother that you loved me. She indicated don't tell me, that she knew. Why did you use words without understanding them? Why did you have the need to play young woman with me? And why do you act again as a child? Do you still expect to be loved as before?

It started in the plane. You told me not to look at you in that worried way. From then on you kept on killing the light in my eyes. Everything I did or said was wrong. Even the things I did not say or do. That was a very cruel game. I have not been happy since, and I dread the moment I will see you again, afraid that our love is dead and the game continues. I'd rather die.

Sitting at the airport, a few more hours to go. Remembering how you left, only two weeks ago. Wondering, are we still in a state of marriage? What will become of us? Longing to be with you. Yet afraid. I am feeling very lonely. Excited, but also somewhat in despair. Hopeful, but in a tempered way. With no one, time has been such a torture as with you. It will be difficult, but we must forget this episode and continue with our lives. Together? Together!!


[] readme preface one two three four five six seven eight nine ten afterthoughts resources

(C) Æliens 2005

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