number 10
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She wrote: Dear

Dear, I am so sorry we fucked up, believe me. It is very hard for me, also, to accept the failure of our life together ... I believed in it like a young adolescent, discovering what it was to make love. It was wonderful making love together, but it is no longer possible ... We went too far in our delirium. We lacked of maturity ... I am also very sad, and I won't tell you, because it is too hard ... But let's be humble ... for once. We believed in something extraordinary and it collapsed. I feel my mind and body collapsing now. I cannot look at my body anymore ... All these last months, I wanted my body to only be yours, and I wanted to be as beautiful as possible to have you enjoy me. I loved your caresses and kisses everywhere at the right places. I'll never forget that, whatever my life turns out to be. I'm worried, very worried about life. I don't know what is now waiting for me, I'm scared, believe me, it is not easy to a backwards -- it is a horrible, terrifying feeling to be in a dead end in life. I hope life won't be too cruel, otherwise ... I hope you'll recover "in a way". Don't regret anything you did or did not do to me ... that's part of our characters. I have my bad sides like you ... but ... when "in love", we don't want to look at these sides ... It is going to be very, extremely hard for me to desire sexually anyone like I desired you sexually. I don't desire anymore -- my body feels dead, it is in terrible pain, terrible -- I don't want to "enjoy" anymore. Everything is so pathetic now and I am afraid it's going to be psychological ... I just hope we both, each on one's side, "make it" in life -- I don't want to live anymore what I lived with you. This is our story and this is it, the end. Thank you for being nice to me, I appreciate it very much. I know it is very tough on you too, of course. What do you think! I've got feelings too, even if I DON'T SHOW them -- I just keep them to myself and endure in my loneliness -- I feel lost, ... I feel lost and lonely and I'm afraid life kills me. Believe me, I'm not joking -- I don't want to be mean to you but that's the way my anger shows -- I am angry with everyone, I am angry with life and the only human being I can fall back on is my ex-lover. This has been this way for the last eight years now. He is not supposed to open his door to me, you know, because I've been horrible to him, also! Life is tough, especially when you thought "this is it, I'm happy"!!! What a terrible illusion. I'll be mad at myself all my life now, and this abortion is frightening, a constant nightmare in my mind. I'll never forget that you did make me pregnant -- yes, you're the only man who has been able to give me a baby ... But the nightmare, the final one -- no more baby, no more nothing. What's worse than a divorce and an abortion! I didn't think I deserved this in life, and now, I guess so. I dreamed too much, like you ... We were two adolescents making love, all the time, looking at the sun rise and go down, and dream again and again. I hate my body and soul now, I am dead sad too.
[] readme preface one two three four five six seven eight nine ten afterthoughts resources

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