number 10
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The divorce

Soon the apartment will be empty. Everything can be organized exactly the way I want. But it will be empty. Lacking of life. Today we went to the lawyer to ask for a divorce. The lawyer was a very nice girl who helped us quickly through all the formalities. In less than an hour everything was arranged. Another six weeks and we will be officially divorced. Nothing needs to be done anymore. When the lawyer was preparing the papers, to our surprise (and the lawyer's), we suddenly started touching and kissing. For the first time in a month we were nice to eachother! Liberty regained. We walked home hand in hand, as a happy couple. Just divorced. The pressure of marriage was apparently too much too handle, for the both of us. Our freedom back, no financial strings attached. What a relief. At home we drank a beer and made love in a way love is supposed to be made. Classical. Like when we started. We cried in eachothers arms.

Nothing needs to be done anymore, but the one dreadful thing. The abortion. Neither of us dared to look at children today. Despite the happiness of our recovered freedom and the short moment together, sadness prevails. We are both still in a state of shock. Of despair. Everything we have built up so carefully over these last months has been destructed at high speed. What lasts is the memory of some beautiful, lovely months together. Even if our minds are fucked up, our chemistry is still perfect. And it has been almost all the time. A once in a lifetime affair.

Her aunt has warned me that she is stubborn. When fixed, apparently, nothing can change her mind. A desperate girl, however beautiful. Too fucking idiot, and self-centered. Unable to compromise. Yet scared as hell for any antagonism. Impossible. One thing, however, has become very clear to me today, it is she who has a problem with money, at least as much as I do. She is all the time referring to money and to the value of things money-wise. How beautiful is it to spend money like crazy and have no money at all!

Money and in particular my attitude towards money has been her problem during our holidays and before. Preparing our marriage, we spoke about budgets and she said she was willing to learn how to deal with the money aspect. She told #1 that she has never met a man with such a horrible attitude towards money. She is now starting to see that that is a Dutch trait. Too late. It won't do me any good, and I am less willing to change my attitude than before. I have never been so generous, and I was simply not happy with the way she spent money. I have been generous as well in the amount of money I spent on her as in the way I offered her to share my income. That made her feel dependent, and therefore furious.

She is out for a walk.