number 10
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She wrote: Drama

I had to write to you before we speak with eachother. I am profoundly affected, deeply sad and turned over because I see with a lot of sadness and sorrow that we are living a real drama: the drama of our failure. I have been thinking non-stop since I left you at the airport. I must be true, loyal, honest at last, by saying to you in a very blunt way, that I desire no longer to be your wife. I can not live with you. Something has broken for good in my heart. I am not in love with you anymore. I don't love you anymore -- I know it hurts. You have an immense pain, me too. We fucked up! We were too much in a hurry. We were naive to believe in this fairytale that we had made up together. Let's be honest with ourselves, this wedding has been an enormous mistake. I have the feeling that I have lied to myself, to the ones that are close to me, and to you! We have been too foolish, too "con", too fucking immature! We put ourselves under the spell of an illusion, like young kids -- not like adults. You and I lacked maturity. We thought we could get through, but the result is obvious, it is NO! Therefore, I can only see ONE solution to this terrible failure, the most intelligent solution (let's be intelligent -- at least now): the divorce. Yes, a quick divorce, as quick as the wedding, as brutal and as violent. If we don't divorce, we are preparing ourselves to live a real HELL. From now on, I cannot foresee to be your wife any longer. Your attitude has disappointed me, and I know that you have been disappointed by mine, also. My heart is dead, cold -- I can not feel anymore. I can not live in Holland and if I can not adapt myself to this country it is not with no reason ... Useless to tell you that the decision of divorce will screw up my life, as much morally as materially speaking. ..., we cannot, any longer, build a life together -- let's face the truth! Let's be true with ourselves, now, at least! We were not capable to be true on our fucked-up wedding -- let's be true now. Thus, it seems it would be better to get divorced as quick as possible! We precipitated everything. This wedding is our loss. We are loosing eachother. It was foolish to have acted without thinking before. I have a lot of sorrow. I am stricken with grief. I live our adventure like a failure. Let's mend all this for the best now. You merged with me. You shouldn't have done this -- for I've withdrawn more and more ... You didn't take time to know me. I didn't either! I'm a complex person. It was not possible to think of us in a "cliche" way of a "beautiful postcard of a beautiful couple, of a beautiful love, of a beatiful wedding, of a beautiful (?) wife, announcing the beautiful news of a beautiful event"!!!

..., I am carrying your baby since two months now. You are the father of this baby. So what shall we do concerning our child? What part of moral and financial responsability are you willing to take, towards me and your child? Being divorced, I must have the responsability to raise this child with your help and your support and your love for the child if you accept to recognize your child legally. For the time being you must know that my pregnancy has to be medically followed in Paris, as the doctor told me, and I have to give birth in a clinic in Paris. It is imperative for the health of our child and for my own health. I don't know how much you can and are willing to help and support me. ..., in our immense failure of marrying, we have consiously desired to have a baby. We are responsible now. I am ready to try and be the best mother in the world for our baby if you help and support me. Let's act as mature adults, it is very, very serious. We are talking here about being responsable of a human life that I am now carrying in my womb. ..., I know all this sounds brutal and cruel, but we are paying today the price of our mad and immature dream, of our "connerie". Meaning, a divorce and a child to love in difficult conditions. I guess, also, that it would be wiser to get divorced before the baby is born. The price to pay is heavy, but we have no choice! So, we need to see eachother face to face to speak out, but writing to you permits me to announce the drama in a more clear way. I am profoundly shocked. I can not sleep anymore, nights and days are a nightmare. I am very depressed and deeply upset with love and life. I am disrupted. I am trying to eat for me and for the baby in a generous way! I am not restrained foodwise, and it is imperative for a pregnant woman to eat. But I have a lung infection (breast). Anyway, I still have a little courage, thanks to the very little help I scrape around me ... Don't forget to speak TRUE and REAL, even if truth hurts sometimes.

Do you think that it would be better if you came and speak to me in Paris, or do you want me to come right away to Amsterdam? Call me now, please.


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(C) Æliens 2005

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