number 10
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A cheap solution

Things can go wrong. Things can even go wronger. Just a minute ago, she threatened with a war, a war of mind. Looking furious. After that, she called her ex-lover. As a demonstration, I would say. A demonstration of mental power, to show that someone is on her side. He did not have anything to say to me, because "he was only concerned about her." In French of course. "If you have anything to say to him, then say it" she said. I merely stated that I did not have anything to say, and that as far as he was concerned, I did distrust his role in this matter, and I still do. I do so in regard to the role he plays in her life. "Il croit que c'est un affair de baise" she told him. A fucking story. Thus belittling me. What a war, what an affair.

All this was just after she was on the phone with her aunt, who had just stated that she "was on my side." In effect, the whole family seems to be on my side. I am, her aunt said, (still) regarded as "a lovely man" and a "beautiful person". Not so long ago, #7 thought the same thing. Now (suddenly?) she has changed her mind. I wonder what role her ex-lover has played in this. Or, it may only be the memory of an eight year relationship. Nevertheless, it is quite annoying that a 'previous' relation plays such a role, any role to be more precise. "To be clear and precise", that is one of the favorite mottos of her. Probably taken from him. On the phone, I heard how he keeps on talking and talking, embedding her in a flood of words. This is probably what she expected from me. To be nurtured by sweet or directive or advisory talk.

Last night, she told me quite frankly that she was actually bluffed by my coming to New York in march. It was impressive indeed. Later she found out that things were only possible as long as the budget lasts. After that I do get "stingy". That is what she told her family, that I am stingy. Stingy indeed. What can you expect from a Dutchmen. On our holidays, the problem became really apparent. Actually, we went there with quite different goals. She to make fun, or with no goal at all, whereas I went there to do the archeological sites with my son. I did see the sites. But not until after she left, having been there only six days. Did that cost me my marriage? That is something to ponder on. Could this marriage have been saved? Would that have been possible? And the child she is still carrying, for probably only two days more? I doubt that, but I will never be sure. A quick ending is probably the best solution! Easy come and easy go! No strings attached. That's life. My life. I wonder what course it will take from now. Where will I be when I am fifty? Will I always find such a cheap solution?


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(C) Æliens 2005

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