Also on the dark side, it has turned out that she combined the properties of all the other women I loved. She has been as agressive as #1 has ever been. She has been as obscure and ego-centered as #2 at her worst. She acted as passive and helpless as #3. She proved to be as unreliable as #4, and played an equally mean game. She appeared to be as ignorant as #5, and was irritated as easily as #6. It all turned against me. I collapsed. Within a month, she destroyed everything we did to built our life together, in a fury of indifference, hate and anger.
She not only ruined my life, but she has also spoilt my holidays. I had been working hard, and I needed some vacation. We were both stressed, after all the preparations for the wedding. At our holidays we were unable to speak with eachother. Not speaking our own language turned against us. We spoke with eachother in a flat and humerless way. It was sad. We were sad. I tried to follow her in her moods. She said I shouldn't have merged with her. But I was already dependent on her for my happiness. Is that wrong? I wish she had merged with me a little more.
Incidentally, I read that malaria pills may cause psychotic behavior. Was she mad? When I was asked whether I thought she was mad, I gave an inconclusive answer, speaking about complex dependencies and a difficult history. How could I think she was mad? I loved her. I knew I was blocked after the wedding. We had to grow into our roles. But, of course, she acted in a crazy way. Just imagine, how would everybody have reacted when I would have done such a thing, ending the marriage after a week!
I expected her to act as a mature woman, instead of panicking as a child. Her anxiety may have been caused by a hormonal blast due to the pregnancy, and the heat. But I admit that I don't take life easy, that it may be difficult to enjoy life with me. I understand, also, that our marriage may have suddenly felt like a trap, a trap for life. I feel ashamed, deeply ashamed. I walk with my face down. Humiliated. I tell myself, that I must not feel self-pity, but that I must accept. I must be humble and accept life as it is.
I am desperate about the failure of our marriage. But thinking about myself, who I was and who I am, I can see how difficult it must have been. Nevertheless, I tried to make it work. I was willing to change, to open up my life, my house, to share my money and my feelings. But she didn't give me the time. She panicked at the thought of leading a married life. She didn't take the time herself to adapt to a new life. She escaped, before we even tried. I know we could have had a wonderful life together.
(C) Æliens 2005
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